A Ghost For Now

Hey guys,

Happy New Year!

So, as I have posted before, I was thinking about stopping with blogging. Today is the unofficial one year anniversary of “Fearlessly Loud” and I’m so happy that I’ve stuck to blogging consistently for one year. While deciding to stay on WordPress has make me happy, I still feel like I need to do something in order to be completely honest to myself. There are going to be some changes, and for the better, since this blog has always been about honesty and me sharing real things with you.

Last year, starting my own blog was on my “goals-list”. I did that and honestly, I am so happy I did. I have met amazing people and read amazing posts. I have gotten to know myself better and I have grown in so many ways. I am not the person I used to be a year ago. Not in a bad way, though. I haven’t changed fundamentally, but my life is so different from what it used to be. Keeping this blog as it is would therefore be a lie. As we all have changed, so should the blog.

So no, I won’t be blogging as consistently as before. No, I won’t be active in the blogging community. Not because I don’t want to, but simply because I have so many things to do and worry about. I have done this, blogging, for a year now and that was exactly what I wanted and needed to do. As hard as it is to let something this wonderful go, I should. From now on, I’ll be a ghost on WordPress.

I won’t just disappear after this. You may see a random post here and there from me. Nevertheless, I will not be a blogger anymore, because I can’t shut this chapter while still writing like I used to. Wow, I sound so dramatic. Seriously, this is not a bad thing. You can still contact me whenever you want and I won’t delete my blog so it’ll still be out there in this world wide web of ours (I sound so old while saying that).

So my dear, lovely friends. This is a goodbye. Not a final one, but an official one (if that makes sense). I love you all and please never forget just how much you have lightened up my days.

Love (forever and always),

Ruth

PS: It’s so nostalgic to read my very first post on Fearlessly Loud. I’ve had great times here. Thank you 🙂

Selfish

Listen to me when I tell you this, oh poor, pure thing

Listen to me and answer truthfully

For I have treated you unjustly, did things you didn’t deserve

And have just realized the tragedy I’ve caused

I was being selfish, wasn’t I?

 

Hear me out, as I am sharing my all with you, my dear

I have wronged you and you must understand

I didn’t mean to hurt, I simply didn’t know and think…

Think things through before I did exactly what I said I’d never do

I was being selfish, wasn’t I?

 

I want you to myself, you to be only mine

So foolish of me to believe we can go back in time

As much has happened and much has changed

Still, I expect you to come running to me again

I am being selfish, aren’t I?


 

This is a simple little poem I wrote and I thought “why not?”. Something I’ve come to realize lately is that we, I, don’t always see things from a holistic point of view. I used to think that I always considered other people and their perspective in everything I do, but that’s not true. In the end, we always end up thinking of ourselves… it’s merely a human thing to do. That’s what inspired this poem, I guess. It’s good to reflect and think of how your own actions affected other people, and that’s what I have been doing.

Love,

Ruth

Destinations

I’m back in the Netherlands. And I must admit, it feels weird. It feels like I’m living in different worlds and it is kind of confusing for my mind. I saw my friends again, which was lovely, and one of my best friends surprised me by showing up at my house unexpectedly. He was holding a snow globe in one hand and a pack of special Dutch cookies (called stroopwafels = syrup waffles) in another. Normally I don’t like surprises, but I surely needed this one. It was truly lovely. 🙂

So, that’s all for the update. Now on to the important stuff.

I’m going to travel. I don’t know where yet but I have quite some places in mind. I want to go to Paris again and rediscover it. I now know a guy who lives near Paris and he promised to show me all the museums and art galleries since he is very into art himself. I want to see all the beautiful places within Paris that are not the typical tourist-catchers (let’s pretend that’s a word). I want to go to old, small cafĂ©’s and sit in parks for hours reading or writing. Just the thought of it makes me excited. Another place I want to visit soon is Belgrade. It’s really cheap to travel within the Balkans so I am most definitely going there in 2017.

Last weekend, I spent in Amsterdam with a friend of mine from Israel. We stayed at this very cute hotel and walked all over Amsterdam looking for nice, little cafĂ©s. It was really nice, since I adore cafĂ©s and by going from one to another we got to discover many parts of Amsterdam. I’ve therefore decided that I want to “collect” or “hunt” cafĂ©s, which basically means that I will go to as many cute cafĂ©s as possible in different places and write down the names. What’s the purpose, you ask? Nothing really. But I just like the idea of having the cafĂ©s as a sort of souvenir, if that makes sense.

This is all for now. I have quite a lot to share with you, still.

Love,

Ruth

PS: Remember how I said I might stop blogging? I’m going to try and hold on for a little longer. I love this place too much. Thank you for being here.

Maybe it’s time to stop…

Dear friends,

I loved blogging. I still love blogging. But I’m not sure whether I should continue with it.

No, I haven’t thought about this for weeks. It just popped into my head. I haven’t blogged as much lately and it’s not my fault. It’s time. And… I don’t know. I don’t think I want to stop, but maybe I need to let this one go. Maybe I need to admit to myself that this door is closed. Maybe I’ve just been in denial because I love this so much.

I don’t know.

I’m telling you about my doubts because that’s what blogging is to me. It’s typing faster than my thoughts go. It’s breathing in oxygen and exhaling words. It’s pretty much magic to me.

I’ll let you know soon what’s going to happen (as soon as I find out myself).

Love,

Ruth

PS: You all have brightened my days so, so much. Thank you for that.

Silence

I’m sorry for the big, unannounced pauze that I took from blogging. For one, I was extremely busy and secondly, I was very uninspired. Here is a poem that I am quite satisfied with (after months of nothing). I hope you like it 🙂

Silence

Silence was covering the both of us like a blanket so white as snow, so cold as ice

Suffocating since every breath I took felt like a stab with a sword made of steel and secrets

Silence

Because everything has already been said and done and the words that were left unspoken,

They fill the space between you and I

Space

That is growing with the minute but you don’t seem to mind

Do you?

 

Silence

Woven into every movement, every look, every accidental touch

Sometimes you would part your lips for a split of a second and I would catch my breath, waiting for sound to escape your mouth

But then you would shake your head and purse your lips, shutting the door to a world without

Silence

Separating our lives like we were not from the same planet, from the same universe… or speak the same language

Say something

 

Silence

Swiftly surrounding me and you and us and all the memories we called ours

Started fading until there was nothing more left than ashes on the surface of the ocean we cried

In silence

Slipping through my fingers were the letters I wanted to systematize and shape into words, sentences, stories I wanted to share

None of it seemed satisfying

 

Silence

Silence has sound too and it kept whispering in our ears all the things we couldn’t say

And I screamed

I jumped up unexpectedly and ripped the curtains to pieces

Broke the window with a chair and invited the fresh air in

And the clamor killed the quiet


 

Love,

Ruth

PS: I missed blogging. Oh, and I’m going to go back home on Saturday, so I’ll be able to post regularly for a month!

What has the world become?

I woke up this morning to the news that Trump was ahead of Hillary in the election. Still, I refused to believe that someone as incompetent as Trump would become the president of the most powerful country in this world. Boy, was I wrong!

During my first block (which was Math), other people were checking websites to see how the election was going. Although I realized that there was a chance Trump was going to be the winner, I did not think it would actually happen. Until it did. Our math teacher, who is also a Global Politics teacher, along with the rest of the class was just shocked. Shocked because we never thought it would come to this. We never thought so many people would support a person that goes against all the human rights we human beings have worked so hard to establish. Whatever provoked this, whether it be fear or desperation from the side of the voters, it’s not right. How can a woman ever vote for a misogynic and disrespectful person like this? How can a man ever vote for the same person? A human being with common sense? I just don’t understand.

I don’t know too much about politics, I must admit. There are a lot of things I don’t understand due to my lack of knowledge and experience as a 17-year-old high school student. Nevertheless, it doesn’t require much knowledge of politics to see that Trump’s ideas make us, as people, take several big steps backwards when it comes to the progress we’ve made before. What happened to no discrimination or racism or freedom of religion? Where is the compassion for fellow human beings, out of the kindness of one’s heart? I think I’ve lost faith in humanity.

It makes no difference for me to say this now, but I will, just to get it off my chest. People, please hear me out. We are all stuck on this planet and call in our Earth. We may have different cultures, religions, believes and opinions, different skin colors, traditions and habits… but none of that matters when it comes to the important things. It’s so easy to notice all the differences, but believe it or not, there are more similarities. Please, have respect for others and love instead of hate. It’s just as simple as that. We should be breaking down all the walls, instead of building them. We should be supporting each other in hard times, instead of bringing each other down. Please let our generation be better.

Love,

Ruth

Free

Free describes running in the rain, hand in hand because you don’t want to leave anyone behind and you’re laughing even though you can feel your socks getting wet and the jacket he is holding over you is not enough to keep you dry.

Free is when you are dancing like you dance in your bedroom but this time you are surrounded with so many people and now they’re not people but warm bodies pressed against yours and you don’t mind because you are filled with euphoria and warm bubbles containing happiness.

Free happens at times when you don’t expect it and you don’t know where it came from but suddenly you’re hugging a stranger and they don’t feel like a stranger anymore. Not because you decided so, but because somehow whenever you don’t see them for a while it feels like something’s missing so when you finally meet again you can’t keep your mouth from forming a huge smile and your arms preparing for a warm embrace like they’ve been waiting for it all this time.

Free is being surrounded by people and not wanting to have it any other way because you know you’re burning hot and bright and not just fading away like the millions before you.

‘Cause free is alive and living.

And I love being free as much as I love laughing with people and talking at midnight and getting lost not caring about getting found. I feel the freest when I am in control of my own destiny and know what I want and what makes me happy since that’s the most important thing to me.

I’m finally free.

Love,

Ruth

Welcome To Hell 

​Hey guys, 

Long time no see, I know! At the moment I’m in Sarajevo, on my projectweek (you get a week off to do something cool). I really don’t like writing posts on my phone, but since I don’t have my laptop with me, I have no choice.

Today we went to the City Hall (see picture) and the Srebrenica exhibition and both things together with something our guide said, made me think. The history of the Balkans is something I didn’t know too much about, being raised in a Western country that focuses on other Western countries and not much else during history classes. The Srebrenica genocide, the war in the Balkans… it is all just so horrible and awful and still so unrecognized. I wish I knew about all of it earlier.

Something else that hit me was when the guide said this: “When we meet people, the first thing we notice are the differences between ourselves and the people we just met. Only later, when we get to know them better, do we start to see the similarities as well. But there are so much more similarities than differences and that we don’t notice them right away doesn’t mean they are not there.”
This is just so true and I’ve noticed it more on more since I’m living with people from so many different nationalities now. From similar words in Amharic, Hebrew and Arabic to customs that are so alike that it can’t be a coincidence. It’s crazy beautiful.

If you were wondering, the title refers to the graffiti people would spray on walls during the war in Sarajevo spelling those words. I found it so powerful and strangely accurate. If you ever come to Sarajevo and want to know about the war, go to the Srebrenica exhibition. You’ll either tear up or be speechless (or both), I can promise you that.

Love,
Ruth