It stings at times

It stings at times when I look at you

And you don’t look at me, but

At someone else who in turn is looking

At you,

but not like I do

I look at you differently.

 

I look at you thinking of when you used to look at me.

 

And at times I remember how we started off, all the

Running, laughing, kissing in the middle of the street, I

never did pay any attention to my surroundings

I just looked back at you.

 


Here I am, once again. This is a very short poem, and extremely simple, but for some reason it gives me a faint feeling of nostalgia. Sometimes it is when things change that you realize just how much you value what you had.

Love,

Ruth

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Airports – Anxious in a Liminal Space

Hey guys,

I am at the Vienna airport now, slowly but surely going crazy since today alone I have been waiting for hours on end. First my flight from Amsterdam to Vienna had a delay due to awful weather conditions and because of that, I missed my flight from Vienna to Sarajevo. And guess when the next flight to Sarajevo was? SEVEN HOURS LATER. Surprisingly though, I am not as angry or annoyed as I probably sound now. Believe it or not, a Dutch friend of mine whose parents are from Bosnia happened to be in Sarajevo now and offered for me to stay the night at her place, since I’ll arrive in Sarajevo pretty late and can’t take the bus to the city I am supposed to go to. Things worked themselves out in a miraculous way.

So, liminal spaces. The “somewhere in between”. Airports are such places to me and it just makes me pretty anxious. Random people carrying their handluggage, me trying to guess which language they are speaking, extremely expensive food and a dense, unnerving environment. Oh and back ache. I swear, I am not supposed to have such a screwed up back at this age. Eighteen. I am only eighteen. Another emotion airports make me feel: self-pity. For some reason, I just feel so out of place at airports. Which is weird, since everyone is technically out of place. Also, I don’t appreciate the German language as much as a person who has had German for three years should. And here I am, in Austria, listening to a million announcements about flights being delayed.

Okay, I shall leave it at this. I might post something else later on, since I will most definitely be bored out of my mind.

Love,

Ruth

It’s Funny, You Will Be Dead Some Day

Hey guys,

The title of this post refers to one of my (countless) favorite poems by E.E. Cummings. You can click here to check it out. Anyways, he was a genius. The way he played with words and syntax and punctuation makes me hold my breath. I am just in complete awe of him.

I am going back to Bosnia tomorrow, so who knows when will be the next time I decide to appear out of nowhere again. For what it is worth, thank you for welcoming me. WordPress has always felt like a safe haven.

Love,

Ruth

PS: Some recommendations to get you through the summer break.

Music: Come on Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners, In the Attic by The Antlers, Make You Mine by Public.

Poetry: Mad Girl’s Love Song by Sylvia Plath, If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda, Since Feeling Is First by E.E. Cummings.

 

It was raining

i fell in love with you (it was raining that day)

and i remember walking twice as slow as my heart was beating

with you in sight, everything stopped

even time had to catch its breath for a while

it is moments like these that make it easy to forget

love is painful, relentlessly cruel

no, it is not patient nor kind

it will leave you weeping if you are late for just a second

it is much like raindrops on windows, sliding

down the minute they hit the glass

leaving a trail of memories, longing, pain behind

no, not kind at all

 


 

Wow, two posts in one day after months of silence… crazy, I know.

Love,

Ruth

Hey There.

Hello,

So, this is weird. If you are a person that follows my blog, you are either wondering who the hell I am (since I disappeared for half a year and you forgot you ever even followed my blog) or you are very confused (since I said I wouldn’t blog anymore). Okay, let me explain.

Today was a normal day. There are six days left before my summer break ends and I have to go back to Bosnia again (I go to school there, long story) and right now I am just counting the days. What I should be doing instead is my Extended Essay in psychology, but I was not able to concentrate enough of my attention on it to make real progress. Anyways, I suddenly thought of my blog. The blog I decided to stop with since I myself grew (emotionally, mentally, everything-ally), while my blog didn’t. And I missed it. When I then logged into WordPress, the weirdest thing happened. I got a notification congratulating me for my three year anniversary on WordPress. Okay, this is one hell of a coincidence, right? So I decided to take it as a sign to post. And here I am, posting like nothing changed while in fact everything changed. But I guess, I didn’t change that much; at least not fundamentally. I am still the girl that writes.

Okay, this was all I had to say, really. How are you doing? Please feel free to answer, no matter how little we know each other. I hope you’re doing well.

Love,

Ruth

A Ghost For Now

Hey guys,

Happy New Year!

So, as I have posted before, I was thinking about stopping with blogging. Today is the unofficial one year anniversary of “Fearlessly Loud” and I’m so happy that I’ve stuck to blogging consistently for one year. While deciding to stay on WordPress has make me happy, I still feel like I need to do something in order to be completely honest to myself. There are going to be some changes, and for the better, since this blog has always been about honesty and me sharing real things with you.

Last year, starting my own blog was on my “goals-list”. I did that and honestly, I am so happy I did. I have met amazing people and read amazing posts. I have gotten to know myself better and I have grown in so many ways. I am not the person I used to be a year ago. Not in a bad way, though. I haven’t changed fundamentally, but my life is so different from what it used to be. Keeping this blog as it is would therefore be a lie. As we all have changed, so should the blog.

So no, I won’t be blogging as consistently as before. No, I won’t be active in the blogging community. Not because I don’t want to, but simply because I have so many things to do and worry about. I have done this, blogging, for a year now and that was exactly what I wanted and needed to do. As hard as it is to let something this wonderful go, I should. From now on, I’ll be a ghost on WordPress.

I won’t just disappear after this. You may see a random post here and there from me. Nevertheless, I will not be a blogger anymore, because I can’t shut this chapter while still writing like I used to. Wow, I sound so dramatic. Seriously, this is not a bad thing. You can still contact me whenever you want and I won’t delete my blog so it’ll still be out there in this world wide web of ours (I sound so old while saying that).

So my dear, lovely friends. This is a goodbye. Not a final one, but an official one (if that makes sense). I love you all and please never forget just how much you have lightened up my days.

Love (forever and always),

Ruth

PS: It’s so nostalgic to read my very first post on Fearlessly Loud. I’ve had great times here. Thank you 🙂

Selfish

Listen to me when I tell you this, oh poor, pure thing

Listen to me and answer truthfully

For I have treated you unjustly, did things you didn’t deserve

And have just realized the tragedy I’ve caused

I was being selfish, wasn’t I?

 

Hear me out, as I am sharing my all with you, my dear

I have wronged you and you must understand

I didn’t mean to hurt, I simply didn’t know and think…

Think things through before I did exactly what I said I’d never do

I was being selfish, wasn’t I?

 

I want you to myself, you to be only mine

So foolish of me to believe we can go back in time

As much has happened and much has changed

Still, I expect you to come running to me again

I am being selfish, aren’t I?


 

This is a simple little poem I wrote and I thought “why not?”. Something I’ve come to realize lately is that we, I, don’t always see things from a holistic point of view. I used to think that I always considered other people and their perspective in everything I do, but that’s not true. In the end, we always end up thinking of ourselves… it’s merely a human thing to do. That’s what inspired this poem, I guess. It’s good to reflect and think of how your own actions affected other people, and that’s what I have been doing.

Love,

Ruth

Destinations

I’m back in the Netherlands. And I must admit, it feels weird. It feels like I’m living in different worlds and it is kind of confusing for my mind. I saw my friends again, which was lovely, and one of my best friends surprised me by showing up at my house unexpectedly. He was holding a snow globe in one hand and a pack of special Dutch cookies (called stroopwafels = syrup waffles) in another. Normally I don’t like surprises, but I surely needed this one. It was truly lovely. 🙂

So, that’s all for the update. Now on to the important stuff.

I’m going to travel. I don’t know where yet but I have quite some places in mind. I want to go to Paris again and rediscover it. I now know a guy who lives near Paris and he promised to show me all the museums and art galleries since he is very into art himself. I want to see all the beautiful places within Paris that are not the typical tourist-catchers (let’s pretend that’s a word). I want to go to old, small café’s and sit in parks for hours reading or writing. Just the thought of it makes me excited. Another place I want to visit soon is Belgrade. It’s really cheap to travel within the Balkans so I am most definitely going there in 2017.

Last weekend, I spent in Amsterdam with a friend of mine from Israel. We stayed at this very cute hotel and walked all over Amsterdam looking for nice, little cafés. It was really nice, since I adore cafés and by going from one to another we got to discover many parts of Amsterdam. I’ve therefore decided that I want to “collect” or “hunt” cafés, which basically means that I will go to as many cute cafés as possible in different places and write down the names. What’s the purpose, you ask? Nothing really. But I just like the idea of having the cafés as a sort of souvenir, if that makes sense.

This is all for now. I have quite a lot to share with you, still.

Love,

Ruth

PS: Remember how I said I might stop blogging? I’m going to try and hold on for a little longer. I love this place too much. Thank you for being here.